Every night…
I lay there…every night…watching the spastic shapes from the glitter night light writhe across the ceiling trying so hard to quickly fall asleep for a few blasted hours or minutes before the alarm goes off. I’ve a warm dog tummy under my hand, a snoring man next to me…why am I not blissfully asleep? OK…picture a canvas…a nice big blank primed stretched canvas, and that’s it. With a matte black wall behind it, no distractions. No paints near, no marking accoutrements…just a lovely naked white expanse. Get rid of all those thoughts cluttering the space…UGH…it’s not working…my canvas all of a sudden has stuff on it…I’ll never sleep…look in the corner…those silly hopes and dreams of childhood…well those are in pencil I can erase them…over there all the crap that tatters all lives: disappointment, betrayal, torture, disapproval, self hatred…erasable ink…some of that can go…OY…now cropping up in quick dry acrylic, black of course: tomorrow’s schedule, work, make money, spend money, nothing to show for money, contemplate what could be, what should be, what never will be…great here come the plashes of Technicolor with textured medium mixed in…accomplishments I want to accomplish tomorrow so I feel whole, they are a blob of no shape so if I don’t accomplish them I won’t feel too bad…right…I feel bad already…things I want to just finish so I can start something new without leaving anything unfinished…that unfortunately has shape as I know what’s there…there it is…looking at me with laser eyes…melting through my skull…’Just finish me…I’m not that difficult’…sigh…still not asleep…my canvas is dripping globs of my life on the floor…do I sweep it up or just put another canvas there to catch the run off to be contemplated at a later date? F*ck it…I’ll pick up a hand full of glitter from that damn nightlight and throw a fist full at the wet paint…HA how’s that for tactile giggle ee tude. Warm dog rolls over seemingly disturbed by the goings on in my head…perhaps I was thinking too loud?!? Shhhh…don’t wake any one up! Don’t look at the clock…Don’t look at the clock…DON’T LOOK AT THE CLOCK! ………..5:14am…thus the plaintive screaming of the alarm sounds the new day…quick to shut it off…no sense everyone waking up…hmmm…why not? Paste on that smile…time to go again…
