I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled my
children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than my own
doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a
shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my
list out — over several Christmases.
Since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles; and who knows
when I’ll find any more free time in the next 18 years, so now – –
*** Here are my Christmas wishes ***
* I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache (in any color, except
purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t hurt or flap in the
breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the
candy aisle in the grocery store.
* I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy.
* If you’re hauling big-ticket items this year, I’d like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a
television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking
animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the
crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
* On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, ‘Yes,
Mommy’ to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don’t
fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without
the use of power tools.
* I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, ‘Don’t eat
in the living room’ and ‘Take your hands off your brother,’ because
my voice seems to be just out of my childrens hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
* If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning,
or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it
being served in a Styrofoam container.
*If you don’t mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten the
holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a
vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.
*It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
organized crime family.
Well, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his red crayon back.
Have a safe trip Santa, and remember to leave your wet boots by the
door, and come in and dry off, so you don’t catch cold. Help yourself
to cookies on the table, but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on
Yours always with love and appreciation,
P.S. One more thing . . You can cancel all my requests, if you can
keep my children ‘young’ enough to believe in Santa.