just a dollop will do you

I don’t normally really share what is going on in my life…it’s rather overwhelming on a good day…I’m not healthy, we’ll leave it at that…I help raise my grandkids, Oliver has Autism and is in therapies after school 4 days per week.  Olivia is 14 months and a little babbling tornado…so there’s that.  Jazmin my youngest daughter is 22 and Autistic…lets just say of the three kids I care for she is the most difficult because she can talk and she breaks my heart on a daily basis with her inability to cope with anything.  My oldest daughter Tabitha (25) works full time 2nd shift, may be going back to 3rd shift. She’s dandy but really depends on me allot with the kids…I take Olie to most of his therapy appointments.  I take Jaz to all her therapy appointments.  I work full time…sigh
My dear husband of just over a year has a tumor in his middle ear.  I find out today when he will have surgery to have it removed.  The only place in Minnesota he can go for said surgery is the U of M in Minneapolis.  We live in upper armpit Minnesota better known as Watertown, so it’s about 1/2 a tank of gas for a round trip.  I haven’t slept in days, I really need to go to the cardiologist for my own issues…lets just say driving into a bridge abutment has come to mind a couple times…the only one near is on a curve and is a 35 mile per hour zone…all I would do is really hurt my Jeep… not on my list of things to do…
DH surgery is 8-10 hours long, he will be in ICU for 3 days, in the hospital for at least 7 days and then I’ll find out if he will come home with me or go to rehab…I think I may be on the edge of Autism or have gotten a bit of it by osmosis…I hate not having a schedule set in stone, can’t stand living without knowing what’s next, surprises, spur of the moment…not me at all…so with this surgery, the kids, the therapies, the schedule all blown to heck I feel I’m loosing my mind…dump in there that I am a terrified driver so driving from my hovel in Watertown to the Beeg Ceeties on a daily basis for a week will surely find me in a rubber room…
Forever it seems I’ve been the go to guy for everything in my family…you need something call mom, gotta get somewhere, call mom…need to cry vent complain accuse whine berate…call mom…I’m pretty sure I will survive this trial be surgery and I will help my husband recover…it’s the rest of my insane life I worry about…mostly I worry about the little kids…I am a giant parts of their lives…the only days surgery is done is Mondays and Fridays…Monday I take Olie to school and after school take him to speech therapy and take him home with me over night…I have absolutely NO idea who I can shovel all my responsibilities onto…Who would want to even attempt my really stressful insane life…
thing is I love my life…it stresses me out to no end but I don’t know what I’d do if I ever didn’t have all this stuff to do…I love helping Oliver discover himself and grow into a great little guy…I love that I get to watch Olivia learn to walk and babble and be a wee toddler…I can even cope with putting up with Jazmin being disrespectful and mean (I’d rather not but I do)…I just hope all these people in my life can figure out how to cope without me while I’m helping my husband…I really love him too…
guess I just needed to get this all out…I have no idea what I hope to get from this rant…
thanks for listening!

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