some cheese with your whine?

Jim’s surgery is in 4 days…4 entire days…96 hours give or take…I am so stressed…scared…unhappy…weirdly lonely…terrified…but I don’t get to show it…oh I get to cry in the shower since I’m basically alone…Shamus is usually on the heat vent but he doesn’t tell on me for not being strong…I am a wimp…this whole strength thing is a very weak opaque facade I am an emotional pile of whiny goo…I feel like crying in the car, at work, in the waiting rooms…every where it seems some creepy mean little thought will enter my head all coated in failure and alone forever and the tears will fill my eyes…deep breath…look up…nope those tears are still there threatening to run over and down my cheek for all to see…then the seething anger lumbers in…what, you’re crying? WTF for…stiff upper lip…you’re the woman, you must be strong for all those who depend on you…if you falter in front of them how will they ever cope…if you’re weak it means that you are not going to be there for everyone’s everything…you’re not dependable…you’re not the rock you pretend to be… whiny me whimpers back that I’m tired of being the rock…I want to be a squishy feather pillow and just lay there waiting for someone else to do everything…I want to sit back and watch for a while…the thick of things isn’t nearly as enjoyable as I pretend it is…I want to sleep for days and let someone else do it all, schedule everything, get everywhere in the nick of time, take the notes, remember all the numbers and important names…I want to be a content calm ‘everything-will-be-ok’ lump.  I grow weary of all this adult responsibility crap…I am still terrified…can I still do everything with this idiot grin of bliss on my face? Will I eventually just come out and say my day sucks…I’m sick of this and your banal questions are driving me insane?  Yeah I am working hard and hardly working…what of it? Want a fist in your face? And I’m a pacifist to many people’s guffaw…can I continue this fake happiness?  How comfy is that rubber room and can I bring my sewing machine? I really want to remain strong…be that dependable rock with all the answers and keep that tighter than a gnat’s ass schedule without loosing my whiny wimpy cry baby mind along the way.  UGH…just ugh…

There it’s out there for all to see…and ya know what…I still feel like crying…

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