Just Plain Silliness

January 30th 2009 via email from my mom!

The first man married a woman from  OHIO . He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but
on the third day, he came home to see a clean house, dishes washed,

and put away.

The second man married a woman from   . He gave
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day
he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the
dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a woman from MINNESOTA.  He ordered
her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day

he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the

third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little

out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix

himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher!

January 28th 2009 via quilttalk@yahoogroups.com

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in
the driveway jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping so
excitedly but I thought, ‘what the heck’, and I starting jumping up and
down along with her.
She said, ‘I have some really great news!’
I said, ‘Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.’
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up
and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she’d been trying for a
while so I told her, ‘That’s great I couldn’t be happier for you!’
Then she said, ‘There’s more’
I asked, What do you mean there’s more.
She said, ‘Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to
have TWINS!’
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew. She said….
(You’re going to love this!) 🙂

*
*
*
‘Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam’s Club and they actually had
a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!’
😦

January 21st 2009 via email from my mom!

The  1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife:  ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:  ‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,  ;
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz  had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.’  ;

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,  and took it home.

‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,
‘Mr. Schwartz is dead!’

The  4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her loveR when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
‘Hurry ,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’  she said ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired  as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied.  ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said,  not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this.

 

 

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

‘One  Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked ‘How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman  replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The  bartender replied:  ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘ What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The  bartender replied: ‘The  same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’


The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied.  ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

 

 

 

 

 

January 20th 2008 via email from Sue

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone
Don’t take it out on someone you know
Take it out on someone you don’t know
But you know deserves it
I found the number and dialed it
A man answered, saying  ‘Hello.’    
I politely said, ‘This is Chris
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
‘Get the right f***ing number!’
And the phone was slammed down on me
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits
He yelled =A1NO!’
And slammed down the phone.=I quickly called him back and said
‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’
And hung up.
I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot
But the idiot ignored me
I noticed a ‘For  Sale ‘ sign in his back window
So I wrote down his number
I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’    
He said, ‘Yes?’   
I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’    
Then I hung up
 
 
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, Saying that I lived at    34  Oak tree Blvd , in  Fairfax ,and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News
About the gang war going down in  Oak tree Blvd in  Fairfax .    
I quickly got into my car and headed over to  Fairfax . 
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew

NOW I feel much better

 

 

And added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem
I had two assholes to call.  
Then I came up with an idea…   

I called asshole #1.     He said, ‘Hello.’     
I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’
(But I didn’t hang up.)    He asked, ‘Are you still there?’       
I said, ‘Yeah!’
He screamed, ‘Stop calling me,’    
I said, ‘Make me,’       He asked, ‘Who are you?’    
I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’  
He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’    
I said, ‘Asshole, I live at  34 Oak tree  Blvd , in  Fairfax
A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’     
He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don
And you had better start saying your prayers.’      
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’
And hung up.=

Then I called Asshole #2.    
He said, ‘Hello?’  I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’     
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’  
I said, ‘You’ll what?’  
He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass,’ 
I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance I’m coming over right now.’

A couple of days later,=20
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had   his number on speed dial)
I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too

I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’      
He said,  ‘Yes, it is.’   
I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’    
He said, ‘Yes, I live at   34 Oak tree  Blvd , in  Fairfax
It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’ 
I asked, ‘What’s your name?’    
He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’       
I asked,  ‘When’s  a good time to catch you, Don?’  
He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’

One day I was at the store Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.     
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. 

After hanging up with her

I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
‘You’re an asshole!’  And hung up.   
I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it
And put it in my desk drawer.   

Every couple of weeks
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day
I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’     
It always cheered me up

When Caller ID was introduced

I thought my therapeutic  ‘asshole’
Calling would have to stop
So, I called his number and said,

‘Hi,  this is John Smith from the telephone company
I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’      

When I tracked down Robyn ‘s correct number to call her

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I’d forgotten to make.   

 

 

 

January 20th 2009 via email from one of my quilting yahoo groups

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s okay to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past, so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s okay to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful, or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and up to no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion… Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: In five years, will this matter?
27. Always choose loveliness.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.

34.Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative – dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life may not be tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift

January 15th 2009 via email from auntie E-Do-Dee-Do

(right now…we have a high of -14)
 
60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.
 

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Duluth sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Minnesota put on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
All people in Miami die.
Minnesotans close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans put the extensions on their ice augers and go fishing.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open...
 .... 2 hours late.

 

 

 

 

 

January 9th 2009 via email from Paul

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008 !!
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

January 9th 2009 via email from Sushama

PEACE!

peace

January 9th 2009 via email from my mom

(I SO totally agree with this one!)

THE JOB – URINE TEST

 (Whoever wrote this one deserves a HUGE pat on the back!)

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

 In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test.

 Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

 Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.

I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ASS, doing drugs, or nothing at all while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could title that program, ‘Urine or You’re Out’.

January 8th 2009 via email from my mom

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a
problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing.”
What do they say?” the priest inquired.
The woman replies:”Well, Father, all they can say is:
‘Hello boys. Wanna have some fun?'”
That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the
Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we’ll put
them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your

parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop

saying that phrase…in time.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside

their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked

over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the

female parrots cried out in unison: “Hello boys. Wanna have some fun?”

 

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at

the other male parrot and exclaimed,

“Put away your beads, Frank, our prayers have been answered!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 8th 2009 via email from antie Vicki

APHORISM:

 

A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE, CLEVER OBSERVATION; A GENERAL TRUTH OR ADAGE.

 

 

1.   The nicest thing about the future is it always starts tomorrow.


2.   Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.


3.   If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.


4.   Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.


5.   A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.


6.   How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?


7.   Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.


8.   Why is it that, at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks?


9.   Scratch a dog and you’ll find you have a permanent job.


10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who anxiously awaits his 16th birthday.


11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.


12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM:   It could be a right number.


13. No one ever says ‘It’s only a game’ when their team’s winning.


14. I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.


15. Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.


16. The trouble with bucket seats is not everybody has the same size bucket.


17. Do you realize in about 40 years we’ll have a millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)


18. Money can’t buy happiness – but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Kia.


19. After 70 if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead

January 7th 2009 via email from antie Vicki (who’s blonde)

Blonde’s Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to  store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job  for failing to print labels…..
Helllloooo!!!…….bottles  won’t fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. Box said “2-4  years!”
April
Trapped on escalator for  hours …. Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing, couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later,
 the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car  in rain storm….
Car swamped because  soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it?
October
Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December
Couldn’t call 911, “duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR – SO FAR
  
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. 
She  opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
  
 A later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into  the house she went.
  
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
  
Puzzled  by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”  
 
To which she replied, There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 6th 2009 via email from antie Vicki:

Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
you might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say…. Wayzata…Waconia…Mahtomedi … Cloquet
Edina…
and Shakopee,  You might live in Minnesota.

If you’re proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,you might live in Minnesota.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it’s “too spendy”,you might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,you might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there,you might live in Minnesota.

If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the forehead, you might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,you might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,you might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy,you might live in Minnesota.

If vacation means going “up north” for the weekend,you might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours,you might live in Minnesota.

If you know several people, who have hit deer more than once,you might live in Minnesota.

If you often switch from “Heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again,you might live in Minnesota.

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching,you might live in Minnesota.

If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,you might live in Minnesota.

If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave them both unlocked, you might live in Minnesota.

If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,you might live in Minnesota.

If you carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Minnesota.

If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill’s Fleet Farm, you might live in Minnesota.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,you might live in Minnesota.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,you might live in Minnesota.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and of course, road construction,you might live in Minnesota.

If you can identify a southern or eastern accent,you might live in Minnesota.

If your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next to your blue spruce,you might live in Minnesota.

If “Down South” to you means Iowa,you might live in Minnesota.

If you know “a brat” is something you eat,you might live in Minnesota.

If you find -10 degrees “a little chilly”,you might live in Minnesota.

If you actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends,
you DO live in Minnesota.

 December 23rd 2008

Please Print out and carry with you in case you forget what to do.*
*HOLIDAY** EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
leave
immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare.. You
cannot
find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that
it has
10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn
into an
eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
me.
Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of
gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk
or
whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports
car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year’s.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the
time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table
while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
near
them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of
attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind,
you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple**,**Pumpkin**,** Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or
if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the
mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the
party or
get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read
tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember
this
motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid
in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally
worn
out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

December 16th 2008

25 QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

 

1. If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

2. Can you cry under water?

3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

4. Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going?

5. Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

7. What disease did cured ham actually have?

8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

9. Why is it that people say they ’slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

11. Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

13. Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They’re going to see you naked anyway.

14. Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

15. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

16. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

17. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

18. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

19. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They’re both dogs!

20. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

21. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

22. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

23. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

24. Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

25. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

December 9th 2008

santa-claus

QUILTER’S’ NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

~ Author Unknown frappe’d from Crocheters’ Christmas by Yane ~

 


‘Twas the night before Christmas and all around me
There was unfinished Quilting, not under the tree,
The stockings weren’t hung by the chimney with care
‘Cause the heels and the toes had not been stitched there.

Tab, Jaz, Olie & Travis were nestled all snug in their beds,
But I had not finished the quilts for neneath their heads.
Jim was asleep-he was no help at all.
And the lap quilt for him was 12 inches square, too small.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I put down my hoop to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash.
Tripped over my fat quarters and fell down in my stash.

The tangle of threads yarns and flosses that lay deep as the snow;
reminded me how far I still had to go.
When out on the lawn I heard such a noise,
I was sure it would wake up both Jim and out joys.

And although I was tired-my brain a bit thick,
I knew in a moment that it must be St Nick.
Yet what I heard left me very perplex-ed
For nothing I heard was what I expect-ed.

“Move Andover! Move Benartex! Move Clothworks and Clover!
Move Hoffman! Move Moda! Move Free Spirit! Move over!
RJR, don’t circle around, just stand there in line.
Pay attention you ponies and you’ll work out just fine!

I know this is hard as it’s just your first year
but I’d hate to go back to 8 tiny reindeer.”
I peered over the sill. What I saw was amazing:
Eight patchwork ponies on my lawn all a-grazing!

And then in a twinkle, I heard at the door
Santa’s big boots stomping on the porch floor.
I rose from my knees and got back on my feet.
As I turned around, St Nick I did meet.

He was dressed all in cotton from his head to his toe
And his clothes were hand quilted from above to below.
A bright Makower UK Vest he wore on his back.
And his toys were all stuffed in a Timeless Treasures Sack.

His hat was a wonder of Yo-yos and lace
A beautiful frame for his rosy red face.
The scarf on his neck Marcus Bothers Masterpiece,
And the socks peeking over his boots were South Seas Imports.

On the back of his mitts was an intricate Crazy Quilt.
And suddenly on one I spotted a small label:
“S.C.” in duplicate on the cuff.
So I asked, “Hey, Nick, did YOU quilt all this stuff?”

He proudly replied, “Ho, ho, ho, yes I did.
I learned how to quilt when I was just a kid.”
He was chubby and plump, a well dressed old man,
And I laughed to myself, for I’d thought up a plan.

I flashed him a grin and jumped up in the air,
And the next thing he knew, he was tied to a chair.
He spoke not a word, but looked down in his lap
Where I had laid my hoop, quilt and needle for a runner.

He began then to Quilt, first one runner then 2-
For the first time I thought I might really get through.
He put prairie points on the baby quilt and 3-D bowtie blocks together,
While I sat back drinking a Mt. Dew cold from the frige.

Quickly like magic his needle, thread and thimble, they flew,
Good Grief! He was finished by two!
He sprang for his sleigh when I let him go free,
And over his shoulder he looked back at me.
I heard him explain as he sailed past the moon,
“Next year, start your quilting sometime around JUNE!”

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’
the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front
of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The
truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now
class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A
smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the
exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband
replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during  an airline flight.  ‘Would you like dinner?’
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.  ‘What are my choices?’
John asked.  ‘Yes or no,’ she  replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I
need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that’s when you remember: you’ve been listening to your IPod.

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