My cluttered mind

So much to do. So much left to contemplate.  Most of which is on the QT…so I can’t really splash it all over the headlines at the moment. Let’s just say my address will be changing…for the better.

Natalia heart

I’d really like to sit at the sewing machine and finish the pile of diapers sitting there, or better yet do the top stitching on the stack of receiving blankets.  But I don’t.  I look at the sewing table a mere 6 feet or so from my chair with the piles of flannel and cotton beseeching me to sew and I can’t make myself cross those 6 feet to just do it.  I know once I sit over there I can accomplish the lot of it in a few hours, then I can throw the blankets in the wash and then pin and package the diapers, have those piles completed and out of my mind…it’s those 6 feet of space and the overwhelming jumble of thoughts crowding my mind that keep firmly in my seat watching the TV blindly.

 

monkey madness

monkey madness

What do I keep, what do I donate, what do I give to someone I know, what do I unceremoniously throw away?!?  Have been living in this little death trap for 20 years.  Wow. I type that 20 years and I realize I have aged as healthily as the craptacular abode I’ll soon be escaping with its 70’s linoleum and so many horrible memories.  Do I pack the memories too? Will they slither along with the boxes of books and breakables to take up new residence? Of course they will.  Natalia’s memory came with to this trailer from those apartments.  Oh to just erase all the bad and just keep the good…deal with it, cope with it, accept it…sigh.  I’ve been living with so much tripe taking up space in my mind and heart for so long I’m tired of it.  Oh I’ll hang on to the memory of Nat even if I have to have the memory of her death.  I’d like to totally loose all memory of the first marriage mistake but keep all the memories of the lovely children that occurred because of that union.  I’ll give up the memory of the ridiculous rebound marriage too, but keep the memories of my girls and the birth of the sweet grandson. It’s a shame you can’t have selective memory loss…of course no offence meant to anyone’s anyone suffering from memory loss.

Natalia N Tabitha

See it’s all these stinking memories clogging my mind when I’m busily cramming more stuff in there: appointments to get to, things to remember to ask at said appointments, things to revise, things to do.  Pay the property taxes ASAP, pay the rent, pay the medical bills, oh go to work and be productive so you get paid.  Clean the fish tanks, yeah plural.  Feed Akmed. Feed Helga. Make Shamus’ vet appointment…find out how much that will cost.  Hey that big bag of chopped up monkey bodies…sew those together you freak! Ship out boxes to the 4 corners of the planet…gotta keep acquiring that good Karma, I’ll need it this coming year for sure.

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Lists. Post-its. Scribblings on napkins, envelopes, sketchings of furniture placement, contemplations of decorating in a cool yet not really ‘me’ way.  Can’t be wicked cool…will have to be subdued…ugh…dare I say adult.  Unhappy face.  What of my posters? Yeah, SO juvenile but they are so cool.  My muses to keep me going, the rainbow happiness surrounding me goading me to sew, create, envelope me with busyness…a frappe of color and texture…now white…a blank canvas I can’t paint. So very empty of expression.  What of dangling deals in the windows from the ceiling moving slowly in the air currents that surround the life living there?  Dare I hang the witch’s ball in the window? That I do. Shhhh. Perhaps no one will notice.  But the rest, the wind chimes, the mobiles, the oddness hanging from string will all have to go else where with someone else…or in the trash. Another unhappy face.

Anger

Garage sale of things I really don’t want to see go? How does one price items they still like? I’m probably a hoarder of some sort, without the dead flattened animals under piles of refuse.  I just like weird stuff.  Odd ash trays (I don’t smoke), weird mugs I’ll never drink out of, postcards from places I’ll never go, statues, glass things, stuffed beasties, spooky dolls.  Things I don’t need but I like to have.  I like to look at.  How do I choose?  Do I keep the weird doll mom made in the 70’s, named Ruthie with the blue face Stevie ‘adopted’, or do I keep the black Kewpie doll? If I keep both do I then get rid of the Shamus dog collection? I can easily say good bye to the crockery and silverware, glasses cups rugs, towels nondescript furnishing and appliances we won’t need.  I can even be OK with giving/selling the Halloween collection I won’t have room for, perhaps even the Giraffe family with their friends the rhinos…but my zombie dolls, Oonies and sock monkeys…I just don’t know if I can part with them…they aren’t essential like oxygen, but they make me happy…too damn many thoughts…too damn many things to decide about.  Which books can leave? OMG…don’t get me started on books! They’re as prolific as DVDs, CDs, records, yeah vinyl, even cassettes…OY, guitars…playable ones, ones left to be built, bodies painted fabulous but that no real hope of completion any time soon…do people buy guitar parts at garage sales?  Unhappy face once again…

pained grin xmas 2009

I’m happy to move, happy to live in a solid actual house.  HAPPY damnit.  This is a good thing for all of us.  A really healthy change for all of us, have to get happy about it.  Fresh start, out with old in with the new.  New is so scary though.  Oh no…here come the what-ifs…they suck as much as the thoughts of getting rid of things.  What if this doesn’t go smoothly?  What if we end up hating each other?  What if this causes more stress and friction in this tinderbox of a family?  What if we all don’t bend and cope and accept life together? This can’t possibly go in a perfectly ordered tidy calm way.  Look at us, a family of freaks with our menagerie of freaky pets, all of us on different schedules for every thing, we’re all odd and don’t even blend with each other much less mashing us with another human being who’s a bit less malleable than any of us could hope for.  Well, guess we’ll aim for a forced frappe, blend this family like no other before it.  Now to just teach Shamus to be incredibly happy in a quiet way and set all the TVs to be read rather than heard…this new chapter will prove interesting if nothing else…and I will be happy about it…damnit…slightly less unhappy face

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Sewing keeps me sane…for the moment

12 more tiny burial bonnets ready to ribbon.

The lovely off white fabric was found at Heavenly Patchwork in Waconia.  Stitched up like a dream…the machine didn’t munch on a single one! Once I get the satin ribbons added these will more than likely be going out to God’s Tiny Angels in West Virginia http://www.godstinyangels.com/ the pattern can be found for FREE athttp://www.sewingforbabies.com/Patterns/Angel%20Wing%20Burial%20Bon…  January 13th 2013 (happy birthday Mom!)

29 sets of up to 28 week gestation sized teeny tears diapers & 13 sets of up to 18 week gestation sized diaper all bagged up (thanks Olie) and ready to go out to God’s Tiny Angels in West Virginia http://www.godstinyangels.com/patterns for these can be found at Teeny Tears http://teenytears.blogspot.com/ January 13th 2013 (Happy Birthday Mom!)

 Soft flannel preemie lovies sewed up at Quilt till you Wilt out at Heavenly Patchwork in Waconia…yeah I know these aren’t quilts…thanks for pointing that out Jim!

Each one is about 20 inches square with 2 coordinating fabrics…all washed and ready to go to God’s Tiny Angels in West Virginia http://www.godstinyangels.com/…I had so much diaper flannel I figured I could chop off a square of each for some lovies…these are way too cute!

Fabrics from Walmart, JoAnn Fabrics and Heavenly Patchwork. January 12th 2013

Shamus just being too cute rolling around right behind my chair while I sew…every once and a while he’ll bump into the chair purely by accident just in case I forget he’s there waiting for a tummy rub or two January 13th 2013

18 lovely sets of up to 28 week gestation sized diapers ready to be ironed and top stitched…I can’t decide which fabric I like the best! Patterns can be found at http://teenytears.blogspot.com/ January 13th 2013

just a dollop will do you

I don’t normally really share what is going on in my life…it’s rather overwhelming on a good day…I’m not healthy, we’ll leave it at that…I help raise my grandkids, Oliver has Autism and is in therapies after school 4 days per week.  Olivia is 14 months and a little babbling tornado…so there’s that.  Jazmin my youngest daughter is 22 and Autistic…lets just say of the three kids I care for she is the most difficult because she can talk and she breaks my heart on a daily basis with her inability to cope with anything.  My oldest daughter Tabitha (25) works full time 2nd shift, may be going back to 3rd shift. She’s dandy but really depends on me allot with the kids…I take Olie to most of his therapy appointments.  I take Jaz to all her therapy appointments.  I work full time…sigh
 SONY DSC
My dear husband of just over a year has a tumor in his middle ear.  I find out today when he will have surgery to have it removed.  The only place in Minnesota he can go for said surgery is the U of M in Minneapolis.  We live in upper armpit Minnesota better known as Watertown, so it’s about 1/2 a tank of gas for a round trip.  I haven’t slept in days, I really need to go to the cardiologist for my own issues…lets just say driving into a bridge abutment has come to mind a couple times…the only one near is on a curve and is a 35 mile per hour zone…all I would do is really hurt my Jeep… not on my list of things to do…
DH surgery is 8-10 hours long, he will be in ICU for 3 days, in the hospital for at least 7 days and then I’ll find out if he will come home with me or go to rehab…I think I may be on the edge of Autism or have gotten a bit of it by osmosis…I hate not having a schedule set in stone, can’t stand living without knowing what’s next, surprises, spur of the moment…not me at all…so with this surgery, the kids, the therapies, the schedule all blown to heck I feel I’m loosing my mind…dump in there that I am a terrified driver so driving from my hovel in Watertown to the Beeg Ceeties on a daily basis for a week will surely find me in a rubber room…
Forever it seems I’ve been the go to guy for everything in my family…you need something call mom, gotta get somewhere, call mom…need to cry vent complain accuse whine berate…call mom…I’m pretty sure I will survive this trial be surgery and I will help my husband recover…it’s the rest of my insane life I worry about…mostly I worry about the little kids…I am a giant parts of their lives…the only days surgery is done is Mondays and Fridays…Monday I take Olie to school and after school take him to speech therapy and take him home with me over night…I have absolutely NO idea who I can shovel all my responsibilities onto…Who would want to even attempt my really stressful insane life…
thing is I love my life…it stresses me out to no end but I don’t know what I’d do if I ever didn’t have all this stuff to do…I love helping Oliver discover himself and grow into a great little guy…I love that I get to watch Olivia learn to walk and babble and be a wee toddler…I can even cope with putting up with Jazmin being disrespectful and mean (I’d rather not but I do)…I just hope all these people in my life can figure out how to cope without me while I’m helping my husband…I really love him too…
guess I just needed to get this all out…I have no idea what I hope to get from this rant…
thanks for listening!

TRYING oops caps just trying

M’k…here goes…I hope to not hurt any feelings when I post about my experiences with Autism…but since those with Autism I live with a painfully honest (way painfully at times) I’d like to be honest too…sigh…this is hard since I know if I said any of this to anyone’s face I’d get the stink eye, pout and silent treatment all at once…not to mention things physically and figuratively thrown about…I have 2 people with Autism in my life currently people related to me…I do know quite a few others…in passing not day to day since I have no time for social anything…

Image

My grandson whom I love dearly is PDD NOS…7 years old at the moment…he has good days and bad…when he has bad days he knows it and so does everyone else…there will be anger, frustration with a dollop of disobedience (dislike that word) Side note: be ready I tend to flit from thing to thing…my own personal confusion…OBEDIENCE…don’t like it…never expected it from my girls…actually wanted them to push the envelope when needed…lets face it respect is earned and so should be obedience…I don’t expect anyone to take my word for everything and I don’t return the favor…prove it…show me…explain…am I too scientific a mind? perhaps but unless you can show me or better yet do as you say and say as you do don’t expect me to blindly follow…I don’t expect my grandson to be obedient…he’s 7, it’s his job to push buttons, be put in his place, to learn from his mistakes and to better yet be allowed to make those mistakes in the 1st place…since he acquired his label which mind you is a better one than he started with…another day for that…everyone who knows his with a few irritating exceptions (those in TOTAL DENIAL) is on him…about everything…almost too much at times…I mean I get is he learns differently…comprehends differently…but if we are forever cracking the whip on his every move won’t we break him rather than teach him? how will he learn to explore on his own if he’s never left on his own? I don’t mean throw him out on the street with a PB&J in a bandanna I mean let him get dirty, let him make a mess, let him totally destroy something and then LET him figure out what to do next…of course with proper supervision…we planted some of his garden yesterday…HE LOVED IT…started out with gloves on so he wouldn’t get dirty…since we only had one pair I got quite filthy…tearing out dead stuff and creeping Charlie…eventually he took off the gloves…dirt up to elbows…all smiles tearing apart the masses of flowers to put them in pots, patting the ‘fire’ colored day lilies out of their pots…putting all the pots in recycling…breaking up all the old sunflower trees and putting them in the big bag for the brush pile…today after skills we’re back at work…He gets to decide where the new peonies will go…one red and one white…then make a row of dig marks along the house for the hostas…figure I’ll hold off on the leaf blower for this weekend…I don’t know how he’ll react to that horrid noise…we’re working on a small gnome garden too with these little button looking perennials that stay short…

Image me & Olie last year…

OK good 1st try at this dumping of my stress…:) no time for therapy for me…so this is it…and my insurance will pay for this…lol…hey…that’s kinda sad…sigh…

momentary ramble

…we have no idea when Tabitha is due as she has no insurance (we’re waiting on MN care…wonder if they will care) the OB GYN want $500 every appointment and we cannot afford that…sigh…We’re hoping the baby is healthy since any tests are obviously beyond our pocket book…Tab wants another boy so living in the 2 bedroom she’s in now will work out, no way she can afford a 3 bedroom on her own.  She work 3rd shift and I work 1st so everyday when I get off work I pick up Oliver (6) and bring him home with me…looks like I’ll be bringing home a sweet baby and Oliver eventually…so much for sleep…by then we should have Oliver assessed for Autism and have a handle on any therapies…My youngest daughter is being assessed for disabilities (learning and any other) at the moment…I’m aiming to have everyone’s appointments scheduled in stone so I know what’s going on at all times since I’ll have a by then 7 year old and newborn in tow…would be great if I could get all the appointments in the same proximity…well when one door closes another opens even if it’s hell in the hallway…thus I ramble…

weekends tangles

Eyeball headache…

This started out as a Buddha face with his eyes closed…but as the stress of the week washed over me it became an eyeball headache…ya know a rusty slightly dull nail protruding from one eye or the other that Advil doesn’t seem to totally eliminate…fun…worked on this with from dust till dawn and a cheesy rendition of day of the dead droning in the background…and wiggly lines were from Shamus being incapable of sitting still

New set of Sakura Pigma Micron pens on 8.5 X 11 Strathmore paper…one of the pens is .005…wicked tiny! April 9th 2011

 

X marks the bloody spot…

Reign of Fire brought this one outa me…I’m mildly addicted to background noise in the form of movies…go figure people burned beyond recognition make me think of bandaids…thinking I’m going to do a Zentangle alphabet…no idea what I’ll do with the alphabet perhaps spell things that have no repeating letters…

Sakura Pigma Micron pens on 3.5 X 3.5 Zentangle Tile… April 10th 2011

 

-A-

Evening news and helping Olie make a bracelet guess that’s what the letter A means…sigh…well and looking at my unused sewing machines and the table cloth I should be embroidering for my wedding…hence the fabric, ribbon and button textures…

Sakura Pigma Micron pens on 3.5 X 3.5 Zentangle Tile … April 10th 2011

to see these full sized visit my Deviant Art Page 🙂