some cheese with your whine?

Jim’s surgery is in 4 days…4 entire days…96 hours give or take…I am so stressed…scared…unhappy…weirdly lonely…terrified…but I don’t get to show it…oh I get to cry in the shower since I’m basically alone…Shamus is usually on the heat vent but he doesn’t tell on me for not being strong…I am a wimp…this whole strength thing is a very weak opaque facade I am an emotional pile of whiny goo…I feel like crying in the car, at work, in the waiting rooms…every where it seems some creepy mean little thought will enter my head all coated in failure and alone forever and the tears will fill my eyes…deep breath…look up…nope those tears are still there threatening to run over and down my cheek for all to see…then the seething anger lumbers in…what, you’re crying? WTF for…stiff upper lip…you’re the woman, you must be strong for all those who depend on you…if you falter in front of them how will they ever cope…if you’re weak it means that you are not going to be there for everyone’s everything…you’re not dependable…you’re not the rock you pretend to be… whiny me whimpers back that I’m tired of being the rock…I want to be a squishy feather pillow and just lay there waiting for someone else to do everything…I want to sit back and watch for a while…the thick of things isn’t nearly as enjoyable as I pretend it is…I want to sleep for days and let someone else do it all, schedule everything, get everywhere in the nick of time, take the notes, remember all the numbers and important names…I want to be a content calm ‘everything-will-be-ok’ lump.  I grow weary of all this adult responsibility crap…I am still terrified…can I still do everything with this idiot grin of bliss on my face? Will I eventually just come out and say my day sucks…I’m sick of this and your banal questions are driving me insane?  Yeah I am working hard and hardly working…what of it? Want a fist in your face? And I’m a pacifist to many people’s guffaw…can I continue this fake happiness?  How comfy is that rubber room and can I bring my sewing machine? I really want to remain strong…be that dependable rock with all the answers and keep that tighter than a gnat’s ass schedule without loosing my whiny wimpy cry baby mind along the way.  UGH…just ugh…

There it’s out there for all to see…and ya know what…I still feel like crying…



I do so being ill…well ill in combination with the unhealthy that is me.  Been sick for about a week…gross cough, cement in my sinuses…expanding, exploding, pressure causing, cement…can’t blow it or snarf it…just dangles there behind my left eye making filing a real joy as well as picking up Oliver, putting on my shoes…oh yeah, it’s pretty!

Get paid today…pay rent…call in my Rx which I hope Jim can pick up for me on Friday as I’m gonna pay 100% of the rent…tired of paying rent too!  HEY where’s my rent receipt for 2008 and 2007?!?  sure would like to get credit for paying it!  Pukes!  Yeah I’m sick…I hate everyone when I’m sick…alright not everyone…just the people that just normally piss me off…now I really despise their mere existence!

Got a quilt for hmm…Project Linus or maybe tiny angels…on the machine.  Bought a cool little baggie marked bright at the quilt shop full of chunks, strips and even some charm squares all brightly colored.  Made four 4-patch blocks…threw in some interesting borders and wrapped it all up with a 6.5 inch wide pastel rainbow striped border look way cute! baby or girlie!  probably girlie, there’s butterflies on some of the squares.

Got fabric piled and ready to cut for Benjamin Smiles pillow cases, received the labels for those in the mail from his mom.  Got a nice stack for at least 1 Home of the Brave quilt.  Some yummy flannel for Tiny Angels.  Wonderful pink and love shades for a heart baby quilt (will I ever finish the Heap of Sheep quilt I started last year?).  And some MEGA bright and sassy prints for a Project Linus quilt…now all I need is unlimited time, a pile of batting, a few spools of thread and postage!  Yeah all I need…

Tax lady called today…In about a week I can go sign my tax papers, pay $155 and off they’ll go…hopefully I’ll get my refund back real quick! I got plans!  Pay ALL the outstanding medical bills, pay the entire gas/electric bill, pay for my Jeep insurance for the next year, rent a massive roll off bin this spring to clean out the shed, entry way and anything in the house we’re tired of falling over, furniture: 3 chairs, and a couple floor pillows for the living room, wood to replace the floors in the bathroom and hallway, tile wall board to replace the walls in the shower, (sigh) and IF there’s anything left over (ha right) the fabric and quilt needs I have a list of out of Keepsake Quilting and send some $ to Tiny Angels to help with the shipping of the baby things.   Hmmm, we shall see…shan’t we?!?


O MY F-in-Hymer Maude!

O MY F-in-hymer Maude!

Welcome to Monday and the insanity ensues! I got to work 5 minutes late so I have to stay till 3:35 in hopes of getting 8 very needed hours of work in.  UGH! SO…after our group weekend of horrid stress with a dollop of hell we were hoping Oliver’s new preschool/daycare/speech therapy would be a tad bit easy on us and on Oliver…Well NO what were we thinking?  I hurried this morning to grab Olie’s snow pants at our house so he’d have them for day care um yeah it will be a high of fricking 8 today and this little guy will be thrown out in the cold…great!  Jump in my not even close to warmed up vehicle drive like a freak to Tab’s apartment so a shell-shocked and weeping Oliver can be crammed into his carseat crying for his baby that he can’t bring with. We get there and the lone chick there has no idea what paperwork Tab has to continue to fill out after filling out a trees worth of crap already.  I’m trying to get Oliver calmly interested in the toys while yanking all his winter crap off of him.  Woman 1 say it’s fine that we don’t have Olie’s shoes with that she sees the preschoolers in their socks quite often…then comes woman # 2…unhappy about Oliver’s not total potty training…after Tab had spoken to chick number Z about it and it being found to be acceptable.  Broad # 2 asks where Oliver’s lunch is…Yeah NO ONE told Tab that Oliver would be needing a lunch packed…WTF?!?  Our tax dollars at work?!?  What a joke, the paperwork Tab had said Breakfast, Lunch and snacks were included in the amount we are now paying for this!  Color me too tired and too much pain to even be as flippant as I’d like to be!  So with the clock ticking Tab and I leap back into the Jeep, Pass Travis on his way to work, to my house to throw together a semblance of a lunch for Olie with one of his croissants, pudding and a juice…Tab runs it into the school and I think chick # 2 says OH, Oliver’s 4….he can get hot lunch…just fill out more paper work….welcome to 6:45…I have 15 minutes to get to Delano, drop Tab at Mickey D’s and get me back to MMI…F-ing Joke…Then chick # 2 tells Tab she’ll have to go home to get Oliver’s shoes, he can’t be in socks…He will be spending the day in his boots…I really hope his day goes better than ours has started. As I pulled up to Mickey D’s Tab’s phone is ringing…they’re calling her to tell her she’s late…ONE MINUTE F-ING LATE!  Ass wipes! You’ll have to pardon my language…ugh! Yet another reason my daughter’s were NEVER in daycare!  UGH!  I’d rather be poor than driven over the edge by the people who are supposed to care for my child in my absence!


On the move: The kids were basically totally moved into their apartment Saturday night.  Course it hadn’t been cleaned so Tab got to scrub all the previously viewed people scatterings all day yesterday.  Yum!  We got our bed room mostly moved yesterday, the wall in the living room removed, the fence in the bedroom Jim and Jaz removed late Saturday night while I hung the new curtains.  Tonight once my dashing about is completed, I’ll be throwing Lasagna into the oven and working on the living room. Just could get into it yesterday.  I was eventually just hobbling about on painful feet since I wore the Vans yesterday with no squishing insoles for all the work and grocery shopping…Got all the clothes moved from the computer room into our closet…how nice now I can like dress looking adequate rather than always in t-shirts!  The dressers and bed are all in there and filled.  The giant Jimi Hendrix is in Jim’s corner.  The purple batik is over the bed with our handfasting cord, all is well…tired, achy, but well.  Tab Travis and Oliver are in Stephi’s old apartment so I can find them in my sleep!  Plus we can see their windows from our front window.  So, they’re just across the way.  Kinda nice!  They can just wave if they want!


Yesterday Jazmin’s older rat Lucy passed away.  Jaz was holding her at the time.  L So Jazmin has Gertie the Snake beater rat and Gideon the insane red squirrel who was running around like a total freak last night.  Once the living room is all put together and vacuumed (what a mess!) He can run all over without any worries.


Wow my legs hurt!  We moved so much yesterday!  I hope Tab’s day at work goes well.  I really hope Oliver’s day goes OK.  I don’t want him to ever feel bad that the adults in charge aren’t on the same page.  These little guys depend on them knowing what’s up and sharing information…They better step to! That’s the Nana talking of course…they don’t listen to me! That them…ugh!

another x-citing 2zdae

“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her
sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a
home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a
smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given
to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.”



Last night…I did nothing…ugh, greatly disappointed in myself.  I made 2 stacks of 3 ½ X 3 ½ squares to make bright 9-patches, eventually.  Thought about ironing some fabrics, this fat quarter of what with really cute people on it and making it into a perfect square, putting on a few thin borders and digging out the scant amount of batting I have left to make some hand work to bring with to Jazmin’s OB/GYN appointment tomorrow…yeah thought about it.  It’s still post-it noted on my brain so I will hopefully do it tonight.  Tomorrow I leave at noon to cash my paycheck, only 1 hour short this time, go grab Jaz then out to Waconia.  Hopefully for a QUICK 2 stitch removal and fast contemplating of whatever drug they will decide to put her on this time. 


I gotta go to Wally which is on the opposite side of the planet from Waconia after I’m sure I’ll have to pick up Tab and Oliver even if she has no $ and no real reason to go to Wal-mart…Sigh, I’d just like to get my copious shopping done with speed for a change… stop at Target in Waconia to get dad a photo book for Xmas, perhaps locate a nice candle and holder for mom there, Jazmin’s $ card…maybe even just get Oliver’s farm and extra tractor there to!  Then on Thursday I can hit the dollar store for 12 folding scissors, straight pins, needles and 12 thimbles.


Next week’s pay which will conveniently fall on Xmas eve (great time to shop) Off to Menard’s for Jim’s fabulous level and Tab’s Screw Driver. Oh to just be independently wealthy this ‘giving’ season I could just get it all at once and be done with all the running around and worrying about the budget.  I am just so many shades of tired from not sleeping worth a blink and feeling ½ crappy, I’m sure I’m getting the creeping crud that’s going around work and that Jim has had for a while.